I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, wondering how I’m going to do all that is showing up in my life. I’ve got this new job now plus just doing ‘life’ things like laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking. Add to that taking time to be with my doggies and my husband.

After riding for an hour last week, I woke up in the morning and my back went into spasms. Obviously, I am way out of shape from doing very little movement for the past seven years of recovery. My brain still says, “Heck yeah, I can ride that horse” and an carry me through for a ride or two but the morning after is ugly.

I keep thinking I need to join a gym and have some big exercise program. But really I just need to go walking every day and do some core exercises to start. This will keep me challenged enough for a few months at least I would think.

I’m just wondering when I’m going to do this? I already wake up at 5:30 am to get ready for work. Mondays I go dance but other wise my evenings are pretty free. I suppose this is when I’ll do it. My brain is pretty much shot by then to do any writing so it will be good to let my body do some work.

I think I’ll schedule the workouts so I’ll be sure and not put them off because in the past I have been a great procrastinator but I’m not playing that game anymore. No no no. I will be looking fine and riding strong in no time at all.

 

I am seeing more movement on the outside of me now in my life. My mom called me last week just as I was leaving work at the bank. She was on her way out to look at a horse to lease. This was news to me that she was even thinking of leasing a horse. She asked me to come along. Of course, I said yes, mainly because I know my mom and how oogly googly she can get around horses and overlook the fact that the one she’s climbing up on is sure to buck her off. And of course, hoping I would get to take part in the benefits of leasing a horse.

The place where the horse lives ended up being about five minutes from work. It’s a pretty two acres or so with a big brick two story house out front and a giant sailboat greeting guests at the gate. A young , tan, athletic woman riding in thong shoes greeted us when we pulled up in the drive. She introduced herself and the horses who were all quite friendly. After my mom did the mandatory prerequisite of embarrassing me by telling this girl all of the ‘big’ things I’ve done with horses, we walked back to the barn.

Valentine, a graceful black and white paint mare was my mom’s favorite of course. She admitted she loved her because she grew up enamoured with Little Joe’s horse in Bonanza. We saddled Valentine  and a sorrel gelding named Mix. I was a bit worried about Valentine’s ticky attitude and Mix seemed much more docile. Valentine did like my mom right off the bat though. She was a bit suspicious of me but I am sure that’s because I was suspicious of her. We both rode both of them and Valentine did end up being easier for my mom to ride because she almost goes on automatic pilot once you get her started. Mix’s stride is so big, he takes a lot of work to ride and my mom nearly fell off of him. That was a big prayer time as I watched her sway drastically off center as she galloped around the corner of the arena. I think there must have been big angels pushing her back up because she was way past the point of recovery when she managed to sit back up.

My mom paid a one month lease on Valentine yesterday and said I could go out whenever I like and ride her. I was suspicious of this too because of me and my mom’s past relationship. Then she told me that the people next door have horses and are big natural horse enthusiasts and have a whole library of learning dvds and they are more than happy to loan them out. I about went off my rocker. I wanted to run right out and start riding. I remembered to pray though before running this time. God showed me that this indeed is a gift from Him. I need to go slowly and stay tuned to Him as I move through this. This experience isn’t about retraining another horse or teaching my mom. It is about teaching me. It is about getting to put the things to use that I have been learning about animals and healing. It is about having a safe, unpressured place to explore a new kind of relationship with horses. It is about releasing all of the old toxic connections I have with horses and even my mom and let the God given beauty I have been given to rise to the top. This is what I must keep in mind as I step into this. I tend to think only in ‘performance’ mode. I see this in everything I do, with or without horses. I try and rush through the preparation to get to the performance and then I’m disappointed when the performance is over whether it was ‘great’ or not. I am learning to enjoy the process. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the process.

I am so excited about beginning and yet I think about going out there on my own and I wonder, “What the heck do I do?” I’ll just remember to ask that each day and trust that I will be shown.

I wake up churning around, feeling disconnected from Jesus. I sit and pray a while. I scramble my brains some more by reading some Rumi. Then I feel peace laying under my little wool blanket on the couch with metal springs that poke into my ribs. I’m feeling so ‘good’.

Now I laugh because this state I have strived so much for, craved to be with, not just this morning but my whole life I go chasing after it; I see now just how worthless it is. I laugh and laugh and laugh with God on my lumpy couch. This doesn’t mean I will never stumble back here but now I can recognize this madness of striving and craving. I have been like the person who thinks the point of sex is orgasm. I’ve gone rushing through the motions to get to the climax, wishing I didn’t even have to bother with the foreplay. Crazed, crazed, crazed, I tell you. No wonder I have lived such a bothered and exhausting life.

Do your work to do your work, no other reason. The climax doesn’t even compare when you can do this. Then life becomes the climax.

Something I said the other day when I was speaking with God prompted Her to answer, “You worry too much about feeling.” That response has been treading through my mind for a couple of days now. I do worry too much about ‘feeling’. I think our modern psychological system encourages us to dwell on our feelings. Through my healing process I went from not even knowing I had feelings, to being completely overwhelmed with them and then totally tangled up and enchanted with them; thinking I had to analyze and diagnose every feeling. Maybe this was a necessary part of the whole process. Now  I’m not saying that all of my feelings need to be ignored but I can have more wisdom in looking at them. Some I can simply watch like clouds floating by. “Oh look at that one. It looks like a bunny. And that one looks like a three-headed monster about to eat a Chihuahua.” Others that keep coming up I can ask, “What’s beyond this? And on and on until I understand whatever needs to be understood or release whatever needs to be released to be free again. Randy and I have been joking around for the last few days and whenever either one of us mentions feelings, we say, “Fuck your feelings!” and laugh and laugh. But there is some sincerity in there. Most of the time we are just way too wrapped up in our feelings.

Sometime in the early morning hours while I was just beginning to be aware again of my life here on this Earth, God whispered this to me:

“Stop waiting to ‘feel’ Love in order to Love. That’s not how it works always. Take action. Love always. Then maybe you will feel Love…but maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Just keep Loving.”

My job here is to Love NOW. Just do it. I choose to be married to Randy today so I will Love him with all I have today. God had more to say:

“Don’t wait. What are you waiting for? Love everyone today. Tomorrow may not happen for you. Get to the ‘end’ and say, ‘Oh! How I Loved!’ Leave no room for the question, ‘Oh, how did I Love?’”

I am the first one to suffer when I do not allow Love to come through me. Love. That’s it. Why is something so simple, something my dog has mastered, so mind boggling to me? I get to the end of my days now and the amount of Love I let through me just looks like a pathetic dribble.

I was driving to my new job at the bank this morning and I was wondering, “How in the hell do I Love if I don’t have to ‘feel’ Love, if ‘feeling’ Love isn’t necessarily Love? What does that look like today?” I’m not sure that got answered today. I arrived at work on time, I was pleasant with everyone. I listened. I ate lunch and gave thanks. I came home and hugged my dogs. I picked up my husband  from work, made dinner, packed lunches for tomorrow, watched tv. Where is the Love? Is any of that or all of that Love? How can I be 37 and not be able to Love or even be sure that I can identify Love? I’m watching ‘American Idol Gives Back’ tonight. That’s Love, isn’t it? Millions of people giving millions of dollars has to be Love. But I didn’t save any orphans today. I didn’t make the blind see and I didn’t heal any lepers today. Did I Love today?

I lie down next to my husband and wonder have I really ever Loved him? My brain feels like a black hole in outer space.

I told my teacher about my Love conundrum. He thought it was quite exciting. We arrived at speculating that perhaps Love goes beyond compassion, service, passion, kindness, patience and all of the other things we tend to think are Love and are not Love. Perhaps Love is accepting what is. And even beyond this, Love is embracing what is without attaching to it. I’ve been going through my days for the last week praying, “Show me Love. Show me real Love.” As if it is some rare elusive creature I am tracking. Then I remembered Jesus. Duh. Isn’t this what that dude was all about; acceptance? He didn’t just look at people and say, “Yeah, I accept you” and go on his merry way. He embraced the scum of the Earth. He hung out with them. He went through some bad shit and yet he was okay with it all even when he wasn’t okay with it as He cried tears of blood in the garden. Living like this seems as unfathomable as that black hole in space. But when I think about living this way there is nothing that seems impossible. Everything already is and it’s all good.

How many thousands of times in how many thousands of ways have I read that our reason to live, our purpose, is to Love. I thought I understood. But the light just came on. I’ve caught a glimpse of the Truth and I understand just enough to stand before God and say, “Huh?” and then, “Wow!”

 

I feel like I have hit another milestone by starting this job tomorrow. I have been a wreck today, trying not to think about what begins officially tomorrow. Even with realizing all of the false beliefs I had and knowing I don’t have to live by those anymore, I am still scared. I have cried so much today. I realized late in the afternoon that committing to this job signifies a passage into being healthy again and being responsible for the first time in my life. With each transition I move through there is always this feeling, this prayer, that I hope I didn’t miss anything. I hope I used the time and the opportunities I had wisely because there is no going back. With each progression I see how tremendously blessed I have been. As I move forward today, I mourn the loss of all of the free time I have had in the past seven years. I worry that I didn’t do enough with it. I worry that I didn’t cherish all of the beauty and blessings I was given.  I wish I had gone to school to learn to write. I wish I had finished and published a book. I wish I had been more dedicated to building a healing practice. But I also know that it is so easy to say what I could have done from where I am now, healthy and relatively clear headed. I have to remember how I felt for the majority of these past seven years and remember how hard I have worked to get well; this is what I spent my time on and it was time well spent.

Tomorrow I step into the next phase.  As I changed the sheets on our bed this afternoon I thought to myself I could just not go in tomorrow. I could back out. I could go back to something easier. It was then that I realized how I have changed over the last year. Last year I would have run. This year I cannot run. I have shackled myself so sturdily to God and his will, that just the thought of leaving his embrace brought me to tears. I could not fathom breaking His heart in such a way again. So, I made the bed and set out my clothes for the new day tomorrow. I took a hot bath and thanked God for my beautiful strong body that I have been way too critical of recently. I painted my fingernails with a color called toasted marshmallow and thought they made me look quite sophisticated. With God and my toasted marshmallow nails, I will make it through tomorrow.